Put a fork in me...

... 'cause I'm done.

I need to be honest. I don't care if one person reads this or 50... I need to write it and get it off my chest... somehow, anyways. So here's my heart.

I'm scared. There, I said it.

I'm scared to let go of the past.

I'm scared to let people know how I really feel.

I'm scared to face friends and family who love me, because they can see that I'm struggling, which I don't like to let people know. I can hide it really well, actually.

I'm even scared to face people I might not know very well, but intimidate me nonetheless... Those who, I can tell, would have no problem calling out the 'best' in me, even if that means cutting to the quick. Which means calling out things I am scared to hear/accept. So I'm just scared.

I'm scared to face the facts.

I'm scared to face the reality of the fact that I almost died and didn't. 

I'm scared to face those that have lost someone who had a family; children and a spouse; when I didn't have any of those things. I managed to live when someone else's spouse/parent/sibling didn't. Why?? It just doesn't seem fair. And it hurts... in a way I almost feel guilty. I know, it probably seems ridiculous, but I can't help it. And I'm a coward because while I want to confront my feelings, instead I look for any way to avoid them if at all possible. I might be the only one feeling this way or seeing the situation from this angle, but I can't help it. I do... and that's something I need to work through.

I know God is real, and I know He spared my life. I've been home 8 months - exactly as long as the amount of time I spent on the race.

It's time to move forward... so forgive me if I've acted strange, or distant. But I'm done 'faking' being OK. I just can't do it anymore. I'm working through a lot, and I know that I'll overcome this. It might be messy, but I'll get there. Maybe I'm not sure just yet of how to completely get there, but I'm in the process of figuring it out. I'm not simply 'the girl who had malaria'... there's a lot more to me then that. The past is not something that defines me - It's something that has molded me into the person I am today, but not something that holds me back from achieving the dreams and goals that I'm setting out to attain.

So... yeah. There you have it...

Bear with me...

love you all.